Given Over to Ecstacy

Sunday rituals are special, aren’t they? Some people, like my parents, spend a good part of the day reading the newspaper. My stepdad, in particular, likes to put some sort of spectator sport on TV, like golf or football, and then spends the afternoon drifting between active watching and napping. Nearly every hour on this day is punctuated by phone calls from family in other states. For them, Sunday is for reconnecting and doing nothing.

Of course, that’s not how I do my Sundays, though I do have some ritual. For me, Sunday is not really Sunday until I read my weekly Post Secret RSS feed. It only takes me about 10 minutes to read, but it feeds my postal voyeurism and I enjoy looking forward to it. And I try to do nothing on this day, but usually Sunday is another chance to get home stuff done before the coming week makes havoc of my effort. So, most of the time, Sunday is just like Saturday.

Anyway, my point is, we all do Sundays differently, but regardless of the differences, it’s still Sunday. So, too, I believe, with doing D/s.

Generally speaking, alt community folk like to talk a lot about doing your own thing, making a kink your own. But when someone starts asking for advice about dealing with problems that arise, the consensus often looks like “You’re not doing it right.” Uh, ok.

That kinda sounds like a mixed message, doesn’t it? Could there really be a “right way” of doing D/s?

I think so, but not in any prescriptive way. Indeed, I believe the “right way” is different for everyone and that success in implementing that “right way” is directly proportional to the amount of self-knowledge one has and inner work one puts in.

In a way, I actually think that doing D/s well is more of a spiritual path than a lifestyle. For me, there seems to be a fundamental match between who I am and my kink. Indeed, my kink grows from who I am, what I want, and what I absolutely cannot tolerate under any circumstances. I was the way I am before I ever knew there were terms for it. And while the terms make it (slightly) easier to talk about myself, they don’t define me.

I also think D/s involves a certain level of pragmatism. As someone who works a lot with engineers, I’ve had to learn to deal with this to do my job. That is, you build something to solve a problem, and if it works, it’s a win. It doesn’t matter if it works perfectly, or even smoothly. It works — mission accomplished, have a beer. Getting it working better is something you do later, over time, once you’ve had a chance to beat it up and run it off the road a while. And in the background, there’s always the real possibility that there will be something that will never, ever work like you want it to, no matter what you do.

If there is a right way to do D/s, that would be it. Do whatever works for you, and only you. There are no rules and it’s never going to be perfect, but you’re happy. So, you win.

Have a beer.